Today, I want to talk about how you can communicate with your spouse. First, let me share a story about when we moved into our house. As first-time home owners, we did not own a lawnmower. Let’s start with that, since it was the beginning of this learning experience. The grass was all over the place. It was spring. To be honest, our grass and weeds were out of hand.
I was going crazy.
It was so ugly that I didn’t take a photo of it. I just thought about having it cut, not having a mower but needing one and willing to pay almost anything to have it done or to get a teenager to do it.
But I didn’t tell him this outright, because he could see it and was also bothered by the situation. Instead, I complained about it a bit and repeatedly asked about buying a mower. My sweet, thoughtful husband did his usual research. He started a search to find us the best deal for the most durable and reliable lawn mower.
In the meantime, my mind was going a bit crazy. I didn’t really care about his research, I just wanted to see the grass cut. I did not tell him this in a direct way. I asked him how the research on lawn mowers was going. I asked him when we could expect to get a new lawn mower. How much we were willing to spend on a lawnmower. While I thought that I was giving subtle hints as to how much my yard bothered me.
Finally, I couldn’t stand it any longer. I started to feel resentful of the time he took to make a decision. I felt embarrassed that we were the new neighbors who had a messy lawn. I was feeling unfriendly and my attitude towards Hubs was a bit negative. One night I told him that the grass was driving me insane and I wanted it cut. Being the calm, collected man that he is he stopped what he did and told me he had no idea how upset I was. He said he would fix it. In less than 5 minutes, he went next door to borrow a lawnmower and cut our grass. 5 minutes.
In that moment, I was reminded about some important things and I would like to share them with anyone else who might be going through something similar.
Three Tips to Improve Communication with Your Partner
The following are some specific things I learned from this little grass-cutting fiasco and that I have found myself returning to over the years.
You spouse is not an expert mind reader.
It would be great if our partners could read our thoughts, especially about the things we want them to do. They can sometimes get the right idea and react accordingly. They can sometimes even get it right. Sometimes, they don’t even know what we are thinking until we tell them. Hubs is genuinely interested in making me happy. It’s not difficult to tell Hubs what I want him to do in this case or many others.
You may have different priorities. Understand your spouse’s perspective.
We don’t all give the same importance to everything. I like my kitchen to be clean in the morning and have the dishes done each night. Hubs doesn’t mind washing the dishes after dinner and he can relax. Hubs puts his clothes away right away, and I leave mine in the hamper. We’re different. We both wanted to cut the grass. We both had the SAME goal. Hubs thought less about the immediate situation and more about how to prepare for the weeks to come. Talk about priorities and how you perceive the situation. Do not assume that you and your partner are on the exact same page.
Before you speak, think.
Take the time to consider your words before speaking. This tip was given to us by our pastor during pre-marriage counselling and has stuck with me. Your words have power. Ask yourself these questions before you speak to anyone, especially your spouse.
What I’m about to say is:
T Is this factual?
H – helpful? What I’m going to say will it help the conversation along? Is it edifying in nature?
I– Inspiring? Does it build the listener up and encourage them? I prefer the word “encouraging”, but “insiring” works better as an acronym.
N– ice Is this a nice word to use?
K — ind? Is it similar to the above?
![How to Create Great Communication with Your Spouse | hitched](https://www.hitchedmag.com/images/article/life_advice_communication_1013.png)
You will find that if you spend some time going over this checklist, you can communicate more clearly in a manner that promotes healthy dialog. This was a game changer for us.
“Do no let unwholesome words come out of your mouth, but only helpful things that will help build others up in accordance with their needs so they can benefit those who hear.” Ephesians 4:19